Leave right now
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: As you smile at me again and now we've both stepped onto the rollercoaster again and I say a silent prayer that this time the ride won't be so terrifying and won't come to such an abrupt end.


**Leave right now**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **Shadow Show

**Pairing:- **Sandra/Gerry

**Rating:- **K+

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:- **As you smile at me again and now we've both stepped onto the rollercoaster again and I say a silent prayer that this time the ride won't be so terrifying and won't come to such an abrupt end.

**Author's Note:- **Shadow show based song fic, L in my alphabet challenge Song Leave Right Now by Will Young

_I'm here just like I said_

_Though it's breaking every rule I ever made_

Sitting in the arm chair in your living room as neither of us seems able to find the words to explain I curse myself for giving into your invitation. It's been months since that final row splintered our relationship in a way that convinced me it could never be mended. We went our separate ways on a personal level and vowed we'd not let it affect how we worked together and we were succeeding until today. When we sat together in that room with the gun pointed at us it was always going to make things more raw, remind us how much we meant to each other once.

_My racing heart is just the same_

_Why make it strong to break it once again_

"Are you sure you're ok? I'd never have let him hurt you, you know that don't you?" Of course I know and that's why I'm here in spite of myself. It's taken me so long to put myself back together again since I lost you and finally I felt like I was getting there but when you were so prepared to put yourself in harm's way this afternoon it brought it all back. Now I'm back to square one my heart beating so fast it's making my head light as you stare at me.

_And I'd love to say I do_

_Give everything to you, but it could never now be true_

As you smile at me I know you're thinking the same thing I am, it would be easy to slip back into that mutual reliance that was the life blood of our relationship before and you're right but I don't think I could ever go there again. I could say I could, I could pretend but it would never truly be like it was. I gave you my heart, trusted you with it and we fell apart just as every other relationship has, just like you promised me we never would.

_I'm here so please explain_

_Why you're opening up a healing wound again_

"Gerry why did you ask me to come here? We all know we'd protect each other and yeah it was a stressful scary experience today but it's not your job to help me deal with these things, not anymore. That's not what we are anymore why are you doing this to me?" Your eyes are telling me that the thought we might have lost each other today for good, that one mad man with a gun could have shattered any secret hope we might have of mending things, is the reason you wanted to talk. I felt it too but I was too frightened to pull the scab off the healing wounds on my heart, you were never as cautious as me though and now is no different.

_I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows_

_But if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows._

"I asked you to come because when he pointed that gun and you today and said he was going to start by killing you it brought me to my senses. I'm sorry things went wrong and I know I was the one who kept saying it would never happen then let it happen and I'm sorry I want us to try again Sandra I love you." There was a time when those three words were all it would take for me to give in, to melt into your arms and to hell with the consequences but not now. As you pull me out of the chair and into your arms I want to be able to forget the past I'm just not sure I can. The way you've always been able to make me feel makes the world disappear but I don't know any more if the come down from that is worth the moment of elation.

_Now I tremble in your arms, what could be the harm?_

_To feel my spirit calm_

You kiss me and everything becomes irrelevant as the world becomes a blur around me all I can focus on is how much I've missed you. I've tried to convince myself that I could live without you, without this but it's been a lie. I know that now. For the first time since this stopped being us I feel complete, calm, truly myself so I give in and allow myself to melt into your arms.

_I think I better leave right now, before I fall any deeper_

_I think I better leave right now, feeling weaker and weaker_

"Gerry we shouldn't do this again, we're bad for each other, we've established that already. I know it was terrifying today but it's not a reason to make another mistake."

"It wouldn't be a mistake Sandra you've no idea how much I've missed you, please let's try again."

Every ounce of my common sense is screaming at me to leave. It's telling me to go home it can never work it will just be more of the same and this time when it goes wrong there'll be no pretending we can still be friends. I've never been that good at common sense though and I'm rooted to the spot completely unable to move or walk away.

_But you may never know why_

_Once bitten twice as shy_

"I want to believe you Gerry I've missed you too but how do we know it would be different? One incident that has scared us into realise we still love each other isn't enough Gerry. We loved each other the last time that wasn't the problem, the problem was that we couldn't live together we drove each other nuts."

You're refusing to let me go now holding on to me tightly as your eyes search mine and I know you can't understand why I'm so scared to try again but I am. While I love you the fieriness of our relationship scares me like nothing I've ever experienced before.

"It won't be the same Sandra I promise the thought of losing you today has been all I can think about, all I could focus on what how I would feel if I lost you forever I want to make it work please let's try."

_If I'm proud perhaps I should explain_

_I couldn't bear to lose you again_

"I can't lose you again, I can't do that to myself again Gerry I can't let you do it to me again." It's taken me months to nurse my heart back from the wounds caused the last time and I want to believe it wouldn't happen again but I'm scared. If it did I know I know I'd not recover this time.

"I'm not going anywhere Sandra and if I have to wait forever showing you every day how much I mean that until you realise it's true then I will. You could never lose me again because you never lost me to begin with. We may have been apart but my heart has always still been yours and it always will be."

You're kissing me again and I know I'm going to give in, how could I not. Everything you said applies to me too. When I thought today might be my last I thought I would die never having told you I still loved you that I always have and always will. Whatever the risk however scared the prospect of trusting you makes me you're right. You've always held it, even when I tried to convince myself I'd taken it back.

"Ok you're right I love you too but if we're going to go back there we have to try harder this time. I can't do an on again off again relationship with you it's too hard." As you smile at me again and now we've both stepped onto the rollercoaster again and I say a silent prayer that this time the ride won't be so terrifying and won't come to such an abrupt end.


End file.
